


endings of a new kind

by adreamaloud, daneorange (adreamaloud)



Series: the band fic au [3]
Category: Skins (UK) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-09
Updated: 2010-11-09
Packaged: 2017-10-18 18:38:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/191997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adreamaloud/pseuds/adreamaloud, https://archiveofourown.org/users/adreamaloud/pseuds/daneorange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the band fic au, part 3.</p>
            </blockquote>





	endings of a new kind

Hands to the sky / We're gods tonight. - _logistical nightmare, taken by cars_

 **one.**

Just like that, it's months later and life is easier with Kat now gone. Lily can't even lie to herself about that -- about how Meg now feels a bit _lighter_ to the touch, like a weight has been lifted off her chest, now that Kat's left town.

After a while, Lily even starts hearing Meg laughing more openly again -- in the company of friends, over a couple of fags, or while in the middle of a spirited drum solo with her head thrown back. These are times that Lily loves best -- times when all she has to do is look back over her shoulder and there Meg is, deep in her element and so comfortable in her skin, the beat of her drums and the roar of her laughter vibrating against Lily's chest, so young and so beautiful under the swerving lights.

Often, it makes Lily want to kiss her; to grab her wrists right there and pull her in, or push her against a wall. To take all of this energy around them, cup it in her hands like a small pool of water and spread them upon the skin below Meg's shirt. It's a thought Lily gets lost in often, and a few times Meg has to repeat the last few beats just to get Lily back on the microphone for the rest of the song.

Once, while they're packing their things and lugging them into the trunk of Meg's car after a gig, Meg asks about it, lip caught between teeth. "Lost you for a moment there, didn't I?" And then, "What were you thinking of?"

Lily tugs at a zipper, letting the sound of the movement fill the air for a moment before moving back and slapping Meg on the arm playfully. "You still have to ask?" Lily says back, tongue sticking out.

Meg shrugs and looks away, a sheepish smile on her face. Sometimes, Lily wonders what it is that Meg thinks _this is_ , because there are times Meg smiles like she's all too surprised about the way things have fallen between the two of them.

She watches as Meg runs a palm across her sweaty forehead absently, still standing there with one hand holding up the lid of her trunk; Meg's got her eyes down like she's examining her worn sneakers, the gesture coming across as adorably goofy.

"Well, yeah," Meg just says finally, smiling as she moves to shut it with a loud hollow thud. Lily laughs as she heads to the passenger side of Meg's car, wrestling with the door briefly before finally managing to pry it open after a couple of tugs, the movement generating this loud grating sound.

Lily takes a moment before sliding into the front seat, eyeing Meg as she struggles with her own door. After a while, as Meg seats herself behind the wheel, Lily says, "Maybe this is better off without doors, yeah?"

"Fuck you, Loveless," Meg says back, grinning. "It moves, okay?"

They're still giggling when Meg leans in to turn the engine on, turning her keys once, twice; her forearms flexing. Lily stares on, noting every movement along Meg's arm, that way she clenches her jaw when the engine doesn't rev up at first try. The engine roars to a start on the third attempt, and Meg rolls her shoulders a bit, settling back into her seat with a long sigh, her hands gripping the wheel.

After a while of laugh-less quiet, she turns to Lily and asks, "You all right?" No smirk now -- Lily knows this face, and this is just Meg with a question.

"Yeah," Lily says, clearing her throat.

Meg takes a moment before putting the gear on reverse. "So," she breathes, one hand settling upon the back of Lily's seat as she turns around to back the car out of the parking lot."Your place or mine?"

 _Your place or mine._ There used to be a time when this question was harder to ask, but they've already come a long way from then. Closing her eyes, Lily says, "Yours," finally relaxing into her seat.

Meg brushes her hand lightly against Lily's arm before putting the car back to first gear. Nodding, she says, "Okay." Lily catches that smiling look Meg gives her off the side mirror.

Lily can't help but smile back.

*

Lily still blushes whenever she remembers how this used to go in _earlier_ days -- that way they tumbled past the threshold of Meg's apartment, tripping on their own feet, eyes closed and hands shoved in places or clawing at each other's clothes; parting only for air or, say, to rummage for Meg's keys.

In the earlier days, it was all about memorizing Meg; it's something Lily remembers fondly, barging into this door before, her mouth on Meg's neck. How they both bore bruises in unlikely places, after.

Nowadays, it's usually calmer; when they get to Meg's apartment, Lily can now walk quietly into the flat after Meg, hand automatically reaching out and finding the light switch with practiced ease.

It takes time, this familiarity; she doubts that Meg has noticed these small things, and Lily has taken it on herself to note them, just for the sake of it.

Cutting into Lily's thoughts, Meg asks, "Thirsty?" She comes back in from the kitchen with two bottles of water in her hands, the still-open refrigerator illuminating her face -- she's tired but she manages a smile, nevertheless.

Lily walks over and takes one, twisting the cap open before taking a long swig and swallowing hugely. "Thanks," she sighs after, wiping at her lower lip with a knuckle. "You?"

Meg laughs as she heads back into the kitchen, closing the refrigerator with a soft thud. Lily can't help but see it as nearly like playing house; sometimes it's Meg's, other times it's hers. Sometimes, it's a smoky drunken night after a gig; other times, it's a perfectly lazy Sunday and one of them just happens to have the idea of coming over with takeaway.

Sometimes, they fuck; other times, Meg just looks on quietly as Lily writes, drumming lazily at the edge of the bed with her fingers.

After all this time, Lily still doesn't know what to call it -- she's uncertain of the terms, or if Meg wants a term for it _at all_ , to begin with -- but whatever it is, Lily just knows it's _something_ at least. It has to be something already, at this point.

When Meg comes back out of the kitchen again, she's drinking off a bottle and loosening her belt with her free hand. Lily looks away, feeling a blush coming on; it's not like she hasn't seen Meg naked before, but there's just something about Meg's hands _yanking_ at things that starts things up at the pit of Lily's stomach.

By the time Lily looks back up, Meg's already leaning against the wall, half-empty bottle in one hand, and before Lily can even stop herself, she's already managed to catch a glimpse of Meg's now slightly unbuttoned jeans.

"This would be so much more awkward if you weren't sleeping in my bed tonight, hmm," Meg fasks, smiling lazily.

"Cheeky bitch," Lily says back, biting at her lip. That they can laugh about it is something Lily's thankful for; she never expected it would be this _easy_ to deal with Meg about this, ever, but then Meg has always been surprising, hasn't she?

Meg pushes herself off the wall and walks toward Lily after setting her bottle down on a table. "Come on, let's get you out of these clothes," she says to Lily matter-of-factly, running her hands up Lily's arms. Off Lily's widening eyes, Meg appends, "And into more comfortable ones, of course." _Smooth and smirking_ , Lily thinks. _It's my favorite Meg._

Lily touches Meg's cheek before planting a quick kiss upon it; Meg just smiles at her a little shyly in response, tugging lightly at Lily’s wrists, after. Moments like these, Lily feels like Meg still can't believe they've somehow gotten to this place, after all this time – a place where Meg can say things like, _Let's get you out of these clothes_ , and Lily can kiss her just because she wants to and they don't have to be so paranoid and concerned about anything.

Well, truth be told, Lily sometimes doesn't believe it herself either, but tonight she moves along with Meg anyway and lets herself be led, one careful step at a time.

*

 **two.**

They're in Lily's flat when Meg brings it up, one morning over breakfast. Meg is clutching a small box of donuts close to her chest with one hand and hanging onto two cups of coffee with the other when she arrives at Lily’s doorstep. Lily comes to the door with a half-yawn and an oversized shirt; it's 9 in the morning, and already Meg's all clean and functional. For a moment, Lily feels a sort of shame that dies away the moment Meg steps into the house.

To be fair to Meg, she waits until Lily's had enough coffee before asking: "You know Kaya?"

"Scods?" Lily asks back automatically, still munching on her donut. "Heard, but not met. Friend of yours?"

"I played for their band a few times," says Meg, leaning in closer, looking at Lily above the rim of her coffee cup. "They're talking about touring and they were wondering if we could, you know. Come with."

Lily takes a moment to swallow the rest of her donut before taking a long sip from her coffee. "Touring? As in touring, _touring_?"

Meg shifts in her seat and starts talking with her hands. "Well, not _touring_ touring -- like, a series of shows in different places, is all," she says, fidgeting a little. "It's not that -- I mean, not that grand. It's just -- it'd be fun, don't you think? To go places."

Lily takes another sip, feeling her cup go lighter.

"Lils?" Meg asks again, her hand slowly shifting across the table toward Lily's. "Don't you think it'd be fun?" Her voice is small and her lisp all too audible that Lily nearly laughs.

"No--I mean, _fun_ isn't the question, really, I'm sure it'd be fun, but," Lily pauses, worrying her lip. "I mean, are we ready for that?"

The truth is, Lily's not as nervous about playing before new audiences as she is playing alongside another band altogether -- one that Meg knows, at that. She's heard about Kaya, heard good word about their performances, too; if anything, she feels like she's about to be horribly vulnerable.

Meg nods, looking into her cup before downing the rest of her coffee in one go. "I mean, honestly--is anybody really ready," she just says, shrugging. "But yeah, you should think about it, hmm? I told Kaya I'm not going without you, so." Meg leans back into her seat, studying the fresh donut that she's just taken out of the box, holding it in her hand briefly before biting from it.

Lily considers her response. For the most part, Meg is right -- it's one of those terribly insightful moments Meg occasionally has, and really, who _is_ ready until they are, anyway? Lily breathes out after a long while; she's been staring as Meg tried to get to the end of her donut for the past few minutes or so. "Is that right?" she asks, leaning in for the last donut. And then, "I don't really have a choice, do I?"

"Come on Lily," Meg just says a final time, mirroring the smirk Lily has on. "It would be fun."

Biting from her donut, Lily smiles wider and says, "We need more coffee. And donuts."

"Is that a yes?"

"If I get my donuts and coffee, I'll think about it."

"Whatever." Meg grins as she pushes herself off her seat, turning around and heading for the door.

Lily closes her eyes at the sound of it shutting, thinking to herself, _What have I just said?_

*

Two Saturdays later, Meg's driving to a familiar downtown bar with Lily in tow. It's past midnight and for some reason Lily is _nervous_ , despite having already had a couple of drinks.

"You're quiet," Meg notes, stopping at a red light. "You feeling all right?"

Lily shrugs and says, "I'm fine." She hesitates to append, _Just anxious_ , but then, she's sure Meg would pick up on it anyway, at some point.

Hitting gas as the light turns green, Meg says, "Anxious, Lils? You're _never_ anxious." She's right on cue, and Lily turns her head to pout Meg's way, looking up briefly from where she has been biting down on a nail idly. "Besides, it's _Kaya_ , for fuck's sake."

Lily wants to say, _Precisely_ , but then again she doesn't. Instead, she says, "You're right. It's Kaya, for _fuck's_ sake."

"That's my girl," Meg murmurs, slowing down as she turns at a corner and slides in carefully to park beside a bulky SUV in an almost empty parking lot. Turning off the engine, Meg turns to her and says, "We're here," beaming at her so brightly it doesn't feel like it's 2 in the morning at all.

Lily just thinks, _Fuck it then, let's go_ , smiling back and moving toward the door.

*

 **three.**

On the outside, it looks like a perfectly quiet building, but just like most things that had something to do with Meg, this one turns out differently, and Lily discovers as much the moment she pushes the door open.

Lily takes a step in, cautious; the energy of the place is different from what she's used to, but it isn't unpleasant -- just mildly unfamiliar.

Meg reaches for her hand, takes the lead and pulls Lily in after her, sensing her hesitation at the doorstep. "Come on, I see them already," she yells over the music -- this rhythmic thumping running under the seductive vocals of the two girls rapping lazily onstage, some synths on the side.

Lily looks around - the crowd is young, but not too young; the air is thick with smoke hanging from the ceiling and Lily squints, trying to see through the intermittent swiveling of the red lights from one corner.

Off the side, she hears someone call out at Meg -- heavily accented but undeniably pleased. He hollers Meg's surname and Lily whips her head around just in time to see him throwing his arms around Meg; a split-second later Meg's pushing at his chest and gesturing toward Lily with an outstretched hand.

"The Legendary Lily Loveless, here at last," he says to her later, beaming; Lily feels herself blush at the mere notion of her reputation preceding her. Extending a hand, he adds, "It's Jack." And then, "What can I get you ladies?"

Meg turns to her and asks, "Anything we can get you?"

Lily licks her lips, says, "A beer would be nice." Meg pauses for a moment, seemingly noting the movement of Lily's tongue across her bottom lip before turning back to Jack and telling him, "Make that two."

Jack just says, "I'll be right back," and when he smiles wider, it's just as the lights swing past his face, and Lily sees there a peculiar sort of charm.

Meg leans in at that, a warm presence by her side, her hand squeezing Lily's knee affectionately. Lily turns to her; Meg says nothing, but in lieu of words she gives Lily this lingering look and this sly grin, and all of it makes Lily shift her eyes first, head lowered to hide a blush.

"Ah, look who's here then."

Lily looks up as Meg's hand leaves her thigh; the lights have by then swiveled away, but even in this lack of light, Kaya's silhouette is just as arresting. Lily licks her lips again, watches as Meg steps in closer and hugs this girl, their figures nothing but shadows as Lily feels the sounds closing in on her like warm buzzing upon her temples.

"Lily," Meg says, moving to lean in closer, her breath hot on Lily's ear. "Kaya." Meg wraps a hand around Lily's arm lightly as she gestures with the other.

Kaya smiles, touching Lily's forearm daintily with a finger before pressing in gently, once, as if to check if Lily were real. "The Loveless, no less," she just says, trailing her fingertip down Lily's arm, lingering upon Lily's wrist for a little while longer. Kaya has stepped a bit closer and Lily can't decide what it is that stings about her - her fire-tipped finger or that voice, so _feline_.

"What is it that you've been telling them, Meg?" says Lily, laughing nervously as Kaya withdraws her hand. "I feel like they've known me for a while."

"Can't stop talking about you, this girl," Kaya says, leaning back against the railing and slipping out a pack of fags. As Kaya's fingers disappear into a pocket, Lily tries not to look at how tight Kaya's jeans are; tries not to stare at how her top clings so closely to her skin. "Can you, Meg?" Kaya asks, cigarette dangling from her lip still unlit.

Meg punches Kaya playfully, knuckles digging into the flesh of Kaya's upper arm. "Lies," she says to her, before turning to Lily with, "Nothing to be embarrassed about, I _swear_."

The way Kaya laughs here – that low rumble that turns slowly into an open roar -- it has Lily holding her breath until Kaya lets out the sound fully, the skin of her throat pale under the lights, now an even warmer shade of red.

When Kaya comes down from it, she takes a lazy drag off her fag first before saying, "Only the good ones, I assure you." At this, Kaya reaches out again to touch Lily, an open palm cupping Lily's elbow; the gesture does not comfort Lily so much as it _throws_ her, and she makes a mental note to ask Meg if Kaya were really this touchy, to begin with.

When Jack comes back, he's hugging a bucket full of beer with one arm; upon seeing Kaya, he lets out a loud laugh of his own , reaching out with his free hand and pulling her into a one-armed hug, planting a kiss on her cheek. "All my favorite girls around the table," he says, setting the bucket down and handing out the bottles. "This night's going to be a good one, I can feel it."

Wrapping her hand around the beer Jack gives her, Lily sits back and lets the conversation happen around her, trying her best to follow what everyone's saying -- or, at least, what Jack's saying, as he's the one doing most of the talking anyway, energy coming right out of his pores. As expected, Meg just sits back in kind, sipping from her beer every now and then, drawing from her fag in between.

"Where's Luke?" Kaya asks at some point, cutting into Jack's animated tirade about an earlier gig.

Jack shrugs. "Bumped into him earlier, said he's playing a couple of sets tonight with a couple of bands."

"That all right, then?" Lily finds herself speaking for the first time, genuinely curious. She's heard about how this scene is actually one really small incestuous circle, but she's never actually seen herself in it - not just yet.

Kaya uncrosses her legs slowly before leaning in closer to the table, crushing her cigarette against the ashtray in the middle. "What do you mean?" she asks slowly. "If we take offense? Of course not." And then, looking over at Meg, "We have to stick together. Besides, we like to share. Don't we, Meg?"

Meg, who has said little apart from introductions earlier on, just nods and says, "Right." Kaya smiles, takes a cigarette out of the communal pack on the table before tossing it Meg's way; Meg catches it effortlessly, and Lily just thinks about the many nights they could have sat here just like this, smoking and drinking and taking in the music and tossing these packs of fags at each other. Somewhere deep inside her gut, Lily feels the slight twinge of jealousy as these thoughts of how much she could’ve missed prior to this night start flashing in her head.

There's a fresh round of loud clapping from somewhere near the stage as a new band comes on. Kaya turns her head to look briefly before saying, "Luke's on." When she turns back to the table, her eyes settle on Lily. "We should check them out," she says, pausing before, "What do you think, Lily? I'd introduce you after."

Lily smiles and says nothing, suddenly overtaken by nerves. Before she can even turn to Meg, Kaya's already tugging at her, a hand around an arm.

At one point Lily says, "Meg."

Meg doesn't look up from the fag that she's concentrating on lighting. "Go," she just says. "The two of you, go."

*

Kaya weaves them into the crowd, her grip on Lily's hand tight as they snake through small spaces between bodies. They find themselves settling for a spot about four rows away from the stage, the crowd around them a bunch of almost-twenty and twenty-somethings, sweaty in their shirts and skirts, their cigarette-wielding hands up in the air as the beats come on.

Kaya laughs as the crowd moves, this united, pulsing mass; pulls Lily closer, if only to yell into her ear, "That's Luke right there." She points with her fag-holding hand to this lanky boy playing the bass on one side of the stage, his hair covering his face -- not that anyone can see much with the light behind his head, to begin with.

Lily just nods, tries to say, "Ah," out loud, but the noise drowns the sound of it. When the words come on -- it's difficult, initially, reconciling that voice with this guy who's actually speaking into the microphone, but then Kaya starts moving beside Lily, and she's saying, "Come on; don't tell me you don't _dance?_ "

Lily swallows at that; finally now, Kaya's face is awash with light, and the sight of her is so fucking _stunning_ it lodges something in Lily's throat. It's something Lily can't quite place, or at least, not right away. Kaya laughs, perhaps noticing the look Lily has on, and she moves to offer her halfway done fag, two fingers hovering millimeters away from Lily's lips.

Raising her brow, Lily leans in anyway, saying nothing as she draws from it and exhaling upward after.

"Loosen up," says Kaya, too close that Lily almost feels her against her throat. "What are you afraid of, Loveless?"

She's been here far too many times, Lily thinks -- it's this place where everything's too desirable and too frightening all at once. When she looks back at Kaya, her eyes are too bright to bear, and at that Lily just does away with thinking altogether and says, "Nothing." Smiling, she starts moving alongside Kaya in kind, a hand upon her hip lightly, trying to settle into a matching rhythm.

*

When the set ends, Kaya pulls her toward the side of the stage and calls out to Luke, who comes to them wearing this bored look on his face. He shrugs when Kaya introduces Lily; lights up only marginally at the mention of Meg, a faint smile on his face.

"That's Luke for you," Kaya says after, when Luke's out of earshot. "It's the most excited I've seen him, honestly." She takes a moment to pause before laughing out loud in the end, and Lily can't help but laugh along in kind. They walk back to their table, and the closer they get, the more apparent it seems that Meg has left.

"Girls," Jack greets, looking up from his phone. "Meg's gone ahead," he says, a slight frown on his face as he turns to look at Lily, who in turn tries hard to mask the worry that's creeping into her head. "Something about headaches. Didn't want to interrupt you two -- you seemed to be having fun."

"We were," Kaya says automatically, placing a hand lightly upon the small of Lily's back. "Weren't we?"

Lily nods, "Yeah, of course." She wishes she can be as _relaxed_ as Kaya at this point; wishes she can take Jack's word for it when he said Meg had a headache to take care of. "How long has Meg been gone?"

Jack shrugs, distracted by a text message. "Half an hour, give or take? You've just been gone five minutes tops, I guess. She's been quiet anyway, has she been ill these days, Lily?"

At the back of her head, Lily has a nagging idea of what it might be, but she doesn't want to entertain the thoughts at all; _Meg is better than that, isn't she?_ Lily just thinks. "I'll check in on her, yeah?"

"Right," Jack just says, slipping his phone into a pocket. "So. One more round before we call it a night?"

It surprises Lily, how easy the words come. "Sure." And then, "Something stronger, perhaps?"

*

When the morning comes, they all pile into Jack's SUV, their arms around each other's shoulders. Kaya tries to hang onto Lily, and in turn, Lily tries her best to shake the buzz out, this heavy alcohol-soaked sheet wrapping around her head and weighing it down. Jack lowers the windows to smoke and the chilly morning breeze comes blowing in; Kaya snuggles closer to Lily in the backseat and they share Luke's jacket, surprisingly big enough for two girls.

As Jack starts the engine, Lily groans, squinting against the sun; the rays filtering through her fingers and hurting her eyes. "Where'd the night go?" she asks, slurring, her head resting upon a window. In the front seat, Jack laughs as he rummages into the glove compartment, grabbing a pair of sunglasses and tossing them her way.

It lands on Kaya's lap, who struggles with it for a moment, her hands still drunk and disoriented. She lets out a laugh as she finally figures it out, perching it upon Lily's nose carefully afterwards. Lily giggles a little as Kaya tries to steady her hands so as to get it done properly.

"There," says Kaya, pinching Lily's nose lightly between her forefinger and thumb. "Better?"

Lily laughs as she tries to swat away Kaya's hand; the alcohol has apparently done wonders to slow her reaction time down significantly. "Yeah," Lily says, leaning away, straining and sniffing, hands still up and trying to ward off Kaya's giggly attempts to repeat the gesture. " _Kaya._ "

Beside Jack in front, Luke has started snoring, and when Lily looks up, she catches Jack's eye on the rear view mirror. "Girls," he says, grinning at her. "Kaya. Behave."

By then, Kaya has leaned in even closer to Lily, the weight of her still-inebriated limbs against Lily heavy, a hand wrapped around one of Lily's wrists; her face is too close to Lily's lips. "All right," Kaya says slowly in response, only she does not pull away. Instead she stays there, pressed up against Lily and Lily finds that she can only hold Kaya's gaze because she’s got Jack's shades on.

Lily takes a moment to breathe in."Hear that? _Behave,_ " she says, licking her dry lips and trying a smirk on.

Kaya says, "Fine," rolling her eyes with a mock pout, pushing herself off Lily slowly before stretching languorously, running a hand into her hair then reaching for the roof; all the while, Kaya does not take her eyes off Lily, staring as if she can see her eyes through Jack's aviators. In the early morning sun, Kaya looks so pale and so young and Lily makes another mental note to ask Meg later how old Kaya really is.

That last fragment of thought is what jolts Lily to almost complete sobriety -- _Meg_. She sits up abruptly, rubbing at her face with an open palm, and when Jack asks, "Can we drive you anywhere?" Lily feels her stomach plummet, the worry taking over.

"You all right?" Even Kaya sounds sober now, her hand settling upon Lily's forehead; the skin of her palm is cool. "Where to now?"

Lily chews on her lip briefly before saying, "You know Meg's place?"

Jack adjusts the rear view mirror, meets her eyes there with a nod. "All right," he says, taking a last hit off his fag before tossing the stub out the window. "Here we go."

*

 **four.**

Jack knows where Meg lives, and that says a lot, Lily thinks. The ride is quiet and by the time they get to Meg's house Kaya's already managed to sleep, leaning her heavy head against Lily's shoulder.

Jack kills the engine in front of Meg's apartment, yanking his door open without a word. The sound of his banging door wakes both Kaya and Luke, and when Lily looks out her side window, Jack has already taken a cigarette out and is struggling to light it by the side of the road.

"Where's Meg?" asks Kaya, her voice now hoarse.

Lily blinks from behind her sunglasses, swallows before saying, "Inside, perhaps. I don't know."

"Call her."

Lily makes a small non-committal noise before taking a look at Meg's door and window. What if she isn't even up yet, she asks herself, wondering, _what if the headache part was true?_ "Fuck it," she says, pushing her door open and stepping out, walking briskly toward Meg's door without even pausing by Jack at the curb.

She takes a moment before knocking - tries a series of tentative, soft ones at first, before hitting the wood of Meg’s door harder until her knuckles start aching. No one answers.

After a while, Jack calls out to her from the curb. "Any luck?"

Lily looks over her shoulder, shakes her head as her hand makes its way into a pocket; when she shifts her eyes, she catches Kaya's eye. Standing beside Jack, Kaya is holding a cigarette with one hand and miming a phone call with the other.

Sighing, Lily dials and waits. When Meg picks up, Lily asks, "Are you home?"

Meg pauses before saying, "No." The curt response pushes the air out of Lily’s lungs abruptly; in the background, Lily can distinctively hear a kitchen running somewhere - _Where is she then?_

"You're not?" asks Lily. "I'm standing right outside your door, Meg--"

"I'm not home, Lils." And then, off Lily's sigh, Meg appends softly, "I'm at Kat's."

 _Kat's._ The word hits her like someone just kicked her behind the knees, her legs buckling underneath her. "Kat's here," Lily manages finally, after a moment. It's been a while since she'd heard from Kat; she hadn't exactly made it a point to keep in touch in all those months in between. "Since when?"

"A few days," Meg says. "I didn't know until--" she pauses as if she'd just dropped the words and was just about to pick them back up. "I didn't have time to tell you."

Lily bites her lip as she looks back over at Jack and Kaya, now both leaning against the side of the SUV, smoking and looking at her expectantly. "Listen, so--"

"You know where we're at, Lily," says Meg. "Don't you?"

Lily closes her eyes for a moment, breathes in deep. She hasn't had sleep at all, but it doesn't feel like she has a choice, at this point. "Sure," she says finally, walking over to the curb. Jack takes it as his cue and drops his cigarette to the pavement, stubbing it out with his shoe; Kaya opens the door and climbs back in, tossing her fag away in kind.

Closing the door after her, Lily snaps her phone shut and says, "Meg's not here, she's at Kat's."

"You mean, Meg's twin Kat?" Jack says, catching Lily's eye on the rear-view mirror. Lily just nods and thinks, He knows that, too? Jack starts the engine and Lily catches a smile there as he shakes his head.

"Been there before?" she asks.

Jack just shrugs, says, "If I weren't driving Meg to this house, I'd be driving her to Kat's, is all." And then, "Damned good times, those; weren't they, Kaya?"

To which Kaya just smiles, her eyes closed. "Mm-hmm."

Lily sinks into her seat, feeling a bit defeated and acutely out of place; where was she then, when all this was happening? She doesn't understand why she feels oddly slighted, that she is excluded from certain histories, but it's not like she can help feeling this way, either.

*

Jack parks right behind Meg's car and Lily straightens herself for a better look; she hasn't been here much -- perhaps once or twice, but most certainly not as often as she'd wanted to during the brief time she and Kat saw each other. Lily hadn't even noticed that at the time, but Kat had been more comfortable in Lily's flat, preferring to come over instead with her notebooks and CDs in tow, and sensing the possible discomfort there, Lily never really insisted about seeing Kat's place herself.

The first time Lily was here, it was to get something Kat wanted to show her but had forgotten to bring along in the morning. Lily remembers Kat shyly asking her to come in, her hands fumbling with the door knob momentarily before getting it right. Inside it was a fairly small flat, big enough perhaps for two; she remembers how Kat had apologized for the mess, saying something about "not expecting company; not really."

"That's Meg's, innit," Jack says, interrupting.

Lily blinks. "Yeah." And then, shifting her eyes toward a familiar door, she adds, "I better walk over, hm?"

Kaya nudges Lily gently in response. "Go."

At the door, Lily hesitates for a moment; what if Kat opens the door? What will she say? Does Kat even know she’s coming over?

Lily hasn't even thought of an answer just yet when the door opens; it’s Kat, and by the looks of it, she’s as surprised as Lily is. "Oh," she says, smiling. "It's you."

"Kat," Lily breathes, looking for a safe place to rest her eyes on; looking around, she notices Kat holding a plastic bag in one hand - it seems like Kat had just opened to door to take out the trash. "How have you been?"

Kat grins, shrugs as she walks past Lily and heads over to the garbage bin. Dusting her hands as she walks back to Lily, she replies, "Never been better, and you?"

Lily feels her breath catch at that; it's Kat. Sure, she and Meg are loads different, but there's always something about Kat, isn't there? Lily shifts her eyes, clearing her throat. "I called Meg. Is she--"

"She's inside," says Kat, a hand on Lily's arm; the gesture comes off as so _easy_ \- it's trademark Kat, most certainly. "She was just telling me about the most interesting night - I take it you've finally met _Kaya?_ "

The way Kat says the name - _Kaya_ \- almost immediately makes Lily’s brow shoot up. "It was… eventful, yes," she just says, upon finding the word. When she looks over at Kat, she's smiling at something off Lily's shoulder and after a bit, she's waving them all in.

"This should be interesting," Kat says under her breath, all smiles as she receives Kaya in a hug and takes a high five from both Jack and Luke.

Lily can't put a finger on it, but something about the morning has just started putting knots in her stomach.

*

Meg is in the kitchen, reading the paper while minding a cup of coffee, when they enter Kat's flat. "Look what I found while taking out the trash," Kat calls out.

Kaya pokes her head past the doorway to the kitchen first. "Hey, Meg," she greets, and from a few steps back Lily sees her walk toward Meg and give her a kiss on the cheek, a hand lingering upon Meg's shoulder. "I've come bearing presents." From where she's standing, Lily hears Meg's soft, "Oh," in response. Kaya beckons them over; Jack and Luke step in first, slow and careful like they're afraid to break something.

Lily takes a moment to pause at the door; it takes one more sharp look from Kaya before she finally walks in. Cocking her head to the side, Lily just says softly, "Hey."

Meg looks up at her; smiles for the first time. "Hey, you." She folds her paper in half and sets it on the table before reaching over for her cup of coffee. Her voice has none of the tension of the phone conversation prior; none of the anger Lily had initially expected.

 _Anger over what?_ Lily asks herself before finally relaxing, a hand braced upon the back of Meg's chair. She contemplates saying something, but can't decide on something that isn't altogether _private_. Eventually, she settles for an all-too trite, "Good morning," that ultimately elicits a laugh from Kat, of all people.

Meg turns her head sharply toward her sister. "What?"

"Nothing," says Kat, shrugging and smiling into her cup as she stands in the far corner, right by the kitchen window, the sun hitting her face just _so_. There's a sort of fondness that hits Lily right then, like a soft, warm hand wrapping around a wrist lightly; it _is_ Kat, after all, and it has been quite a while.

A sort of quiet falls upon the kitchen at that moment, only to be interrupted by Jack's loud yawn and his embarrassed laugh after. Kaya clears her throat before, "Well, we just wanted to drop Lily off here, so."

Meg moves to stand at that, her chair grating against the floor as she pushes it back. "Don't be silly," she says, downing what's left in her cup before heading to the sink. "Coffee before you go?" Kaya leans her hip against the sink beside Meg, hands crossed in front of her chest. After a while, Meg laughs softly as she pulls Kaya closer by the arm. "Come on. Long night, yeah?"

Lily doesn't quite understand what is unfolding in front of her, but then again, she's never seen a lot of Kaya _and_ Meg together, anyway, so perhaps this is really how it goes. After a moment's consideration, Kaya laughs along, leaning her head against Meg's shoulder briefly.

"Ah, classic Kaya, apparently," says Kat, who's managed to slide in beside Lily without Lily noticing. "Some things never change."

"What do you mean?" Lily asks.

"You mean, you don't know?" When Lily turns her head to look at her, there's a small smile on Kat's face, and the sight of it weighs Lily's heart down; when she shifts her eyes back over to Meg and Kaya standing by the sink, they're talking so softly there's almost no space between. The sight of it pulls Lily’s insides taut.

Kat chooses that moment to clear her throat, and instinctively, Kaya and Meg move apart. Meg returns to her seat on the table with a fresh mug in one hand, while Kaya leans back against the kitchen counter, her lips pursed, as if aching for a fag.

"So I heard there's going to be a tour," says Kat, and Lily feels her eyes widen at the brazenness of it - all along, she'd held the offer close to her chest as if it were the most confidential thing, and now here Kat is, just opening the bag and letting it all out. When Lily follows Kat's eyes, she finds Kat looking straight at Kaya, and Kaya's staring right back, a smirk playing at the corner of her lips in kind.

"I was hoping to get Lily's yes last night," Kaya says, still smiling at Kat.

"And did you?" asks Kat.

Kaya shrugs, shifting her eyes over to Lily, who catches it in surprise; still unable after all this time to cope with the strangeness of this whole thing. "I don't know. Did I?"

Lily licks her lips, once. "Technically," she begins. "I didn't get a question."

Kaya laughs, pushing herself off the kitchen counter and walking toward Lily until she's standing too close. And then, "Well," says Kaya, soft now that she's close enough. "What do you think?"

"I think," Lily says, backed now against a wall. "I think we would surprise ourselves, is all."

"I love surprises." Meg doesn’t even look up from what she's reading on the table, and at that, Kat lets out a brief laugh.

"This I have to see," says Kat, moving away from Lily and Kaya and heading for the sink. By the door, Jack and Luke are leaning against the door frame opposite each other, examining the floor and scratching the backs of their necks.

"Afraid of surprises, are we?" asks Kaya.

Smiling brightly, Lily just says, "Not at all."

*

 **five**.

They practice twice before heading out for the long drive; they meet at the studio near Meg's, and Kat tags along, her netbook and camera in tow.

As the boys begin hauling in the instruments, Lily starts picking up a different sort of energy to the place -- for one, there's Jack's laughter, acting like a different base tempo entirely; and then there's Kaya and Meg - _finally_. Lily spies them huddled close as they enter the studio, talking in hushed whispers with their shoulders touching and their faces serious. Now there's something Lily hasn’t seen before.

Jack tests his beat machine; it's set a bit too loud, and the sound of it bounces off the ceiling sharply, landing upon them like brief, heavy nudges down their shoulders. Jack mutters an apology as he adjusts; off the side, Luke's negotiating with his own cords.

"You all right?" It's Meg, twirling a stick in a hand as she settles right behind the drums, a smirk on her face.

Lily smiles, running a hand across her keyboard. "Yeah," she says, turning it on for a sound check herself. With Kaya around, Lily doesn't feel so confident about doing the vocals herself. "You?"

"We've never done this before either, Lils," says Meg, eyeing Kaya briefly. "Relax."

Lily breathes out, stretching and flexing her fingers as she gets ready. She settles for a brief chord that makes Kaya look over her shoulder, a hand around the mic loosely, the other fixing the stand.

As Kaya meets Lily's eyes, she smiles and says, "Multi-tasking, I see?"

Blushing, Lily shifts her eyes, playing the chord an octave higher to distract herself. "No, just," she begins, shaking her head. "One at a time." And then, "Just this, for now."

"Suit yourself," says Kaya, still smiling. "We could sound good together, you know."

"You would." Lily whips her head around to find Kat walking toward Jack’s set-up, her fingers touching small dials. "I mean, I've heard you _both_ , and I think--"

Meg clears her throat to interrupt. "Come on Kat," she says, though not unkindly. "You're making Lily nervous."

"I'm not nervous," Lily counters, punctuating her response with a brief high C. "It's just -- it's new. _We're_ new."

"We're going to be _fine_." And when Lily looks back around again, Kaya has wrapped a hand around her wrist lightly, rubbing the skin above the bone there with the pad of her thumb. "We're going to be _amazing._ "

Lily just swallows at that, her skin burning; off the side, Meg clears her throat again and starts tapping her sticks together. "All set then, let's go," she says, and the abruptness of it makes Lily flinch, a little. Meg starts playing the intro drum roll and Lily holds her breath as she waits for Jack to go in after her; as she listens closely for her cue.

 _One, two…_ The first time Lily plays here, she gets the timing right (thankfully); sliding in between Jack and Meg's beats smoothly, settling comfortably alongside Luke's rhythm.

At the center of it all, Kaya waits for her turn, holding Lily's eyes all that while; Lily tries her best to hang onto the beat the best she could.

Tries not to get lost as Kaya starts singing the words.

*

 **six.**

The night before they leave town, they all gather in Meg's apartment to sort out the itinerary. They're taking Jack's SUV, and they're now huddled around Jack in Meg's living room, hunched over a map he has spread over a table.

"We can switch every few hours," says Meg, popping open a can of beer and quickly sipping off the froth there. "Everybody drives, anyway."

"Except for Kat, whose license is always expired," says Kaya, grinning at Kat.

From the corner, Kat takes a moment to emerge from behind her camera. "I'm sorry, all right? I'm never home," she says, smiling in kind at Kaya before peeking back into the viewfinder.

Looking over her shoulder, Lily notes the tell-tale _snap-snap-snap_ that punctuates each of her shots. "That's a lot of pictures," she says when Kat cocks her head to the side and catches her eye. "Don't you think you've had quite enough?"

"It's called documentation," Kat replies, clicking again without really aiming anywhere just to make a point. Lily laughs; it's nice, just being like this, she thinks. The air sans the tension and history and complications. "And no," continues Kat. "Never quite enough."

Lily shakes her head, smiles one more time as Kat points the lens directly at her and takes another slew of shots; for a brief moment Lily wonders how she must look there now that things have changed between the two of them. Kat used to take photos of them, too, once upon a time; they had that unmistakable glow upon them that gave everything away.

Meg brings Lily back to the table, putting a hand lightly upon the small of her back. "You all right, Lils?" she asks, pressing the can of beer against Lily's knuckles, the surface of it cold. Lily takes it and nods, smiling. And then moving closer, Meg asks with her voice lower, "Kat on the trip doesn't bother you -- does it?"

"Not at all," says Lily, taking a hard swallow before setting the empty can upon the table. "It's just a trip with friends. What's there to get worked up about?"

Meg shrugs before rising to her feet. "I'm going to get more beer. Who wants one?"

There's a show of hands before Jack laughs out loud and says, "You still have to ask?"

*

That night, only the boys sleep; Jack passes out on one of the couches, while Luke takes the other. The girls walk around the house, alternating between the kitchen, Meg's bedroom, and the steps outside her front door. Lily finds herself settling by the open window of Meg's bedroom, straddling a plastic chair with a lit fag hanging out of the sill, listening quietly to the muted sounds of their restlessness.

After a while, Kaya saunters in, her footsteps light. "Do you mind?" she asks, perching herself carefully upon the edge of Meg's bed closest to Lily, before motioning with her fingertips for the pack of cigarettes.

Lily laughs as she tosses it to Kaya, the plastic crinkling against Kaya's open palms. "We should stock up," Lily says, blowing the smoke out the window, eyeing Kaya with a smile.

Kaya leans in and lights up; the flickering flame illuminates her face for a split second, and there, Lily spots a smile herself. She takes a drag, exhales before nodding, "We should." And then, "Can't sleep, huh?"

Shaking her head, Lily says, "In a bit, I guess. I suppose I'm just not used to turning in early." She shifts her eyes over to the bedside drawer, where Meg's alarm clock sits: half-past midnight already.

"Me neither," Kaya says, moving over to sit across Lily by the window. She takes a moment before pushing Meg's window all the way up, opening it wide enough for her to be able to straddle the window sill.

"Careful," says Lily, a hand on Kaya's knee. "If you ever fall over, it'd be so easy to say I was sabotaging you to get the lead back, or whatever."

Kaya laughs, swinging the leg hanging off Meg's second-floor window with a soft giggle. "All right," she says, gripping the edge of the sill with her non-cigarette-holding hand. "Better?"

Lily leans her head against the side of the window, smiling lazily back. "Better," she just says.

They talk sparingly; at times, Kaya talks about her adventures with Jack and Luke, some of them dating as far back as eight, nine years ago, and every time, Lily feels obliged to come forth with a story of her own. Every round ends with short bursts of laughter.

"So you'd never once considered?" asks Lily, crushing her fag against the ashtray sitting on the sill right between Kaya's legs before slipping a fresh stick out. "I mean, choosing between Jack and Luke, once and for all?"

"Choosing?" asks Kaya, shaking her head as a soft grimace crinkles her beautiful face; when she turns to the side to exhale smoke, the gesture seems more like spitting. "No, not really." And then, "Who knows, maybe one day, I'd wake up to the fact that they'd finally chosen _each other_ , writing me off the equation entirely."

Lily laughs out loud at that; just then, something sharp in her throat takes her by surprise that she has to cough, and Kaya moves her free hand to touch Lily's, as if to ask if she were all right. "I'm okay," Lily manages, a few moments after, wiping at the corner of her lips with the back of her thumb. "And if I may say - that's not a too-far-off possibility, is it? Risks of being a tease." The last word rolls out of Lily's mouth so deliciously that she can't help but smile.

"I resent that label," says Kaya, though going by the satisfied smirk on her face, Lily can see how Kaya relishes the mere suggestion of it. "I just like my options, is all."

"And how are they right now, if I may ask, Ms Scodelario?"

Kaya looks at her as she takes one last drag before flicking the fag out to the dark street below. "Oh you know," she says, gripping the sill with both her hands as she leans in closer. "They keep getting better and better."

Lily studies her for a moment, letting her fag burn and the ash build; when she moves to take a drag finally, the ashes fall and scatter on the floor, but no one looks away to follow the movement. "They do, huh," Lily says after a while, exhaling. She tries not to hear it there, but in reality that's all Kaya is saying -- that there's this game she likes to play, and whether Lily likes it or not, she's here now.

Before anyone can say anything else, Kaya swings her leg back in from over the sill, lifting the ashtray and setting it carefully beside her on the floor as she sits there with her knees drawn against her chest. "I see what she sees in you, Loveless," she continues, toying with the ashes Lily's fag had dropped upon the floor earlier, spreading them across the surface with a fingertip.

Lily looks at her with her chin resting upon her arms, braced across the back of the chair. "And what is that?"

Kaya looks up at that and meets Lily’s eyes, a smile upon the corner of Kaya’s lips. After a while, she pushes herself off the floor and stands, bending at the waist to keep her face level with Lily's. "Well. Aren't you a vain little thing?" asks Kaya, smiling wider.

When Kaya leans in to kiss her, she cups Lily's face in her hands, and the first thing Lily senses is that velvety feel of the ashes on Kaya's fingertips. She thinks about the dirt on her face after; about Kaya's fingerprints, and how they'd be left upon her cheeks like evidence in a crime scene. Kaya darts out her tongue tentatively, grazing the surface of Lily's lower lip before sucking it in between her teeth and biting gently. _If I hadn't been sitting down,_ Lily just thinks, her knees shaking.

When it's over, Kaya licks her lips before saying, "Sorry about the soot." And then, "We'll have to wash that out before... you know." The way Kaya's smiling now bears a sort of apology.

 _Before Meg sees,_ Lily completes in her head, rubbing against the heat Kaya's fingers had left on her skin, trying to get the dirt out of her face. "I'll be all right," she says, smiling in kind, though the way it stretches her face this time is somewhat painful. She pushes herself off her seat and heads for the bathroom just across the hall. "You go check what the twins are up to downstairs."

Kaya nods and walks out after her. Taking a step down the stairs, Kaya pauses and turns back. "We're okay here, yeah?"

"Yeah," Lily says without even blinking, a hand around the bathroom's doorknob. "Yeah, we're okay."

"All right." Kaya smiles at her one more time before heading downstairs, her steps careful. Lily stays a bit longer at the door and waits until Kaya's out of sight. Lily doesn't know what she's just gotten herself into, she realizes; entering the bathroom and switching the lights on, she sees the mess Kaya's made when she looks at herself in the mirror.

Running her hands under the water and splashing some upon her face, Lily feels somewhat thankful that this time everything is still easy to fix.

*

When Lily gets downstairs, the girls are seated at the dining table, passing a bottle around and drinking from it. Meg hears her coming down the stairs. "Lily?"

"What are you guys up to?" Lily asks softly as she comes in, and Meg pulls out the chair beside her.

"Drowning jitters," Meg replies, smiling warmly. The shade of her flushed cheeks and the level of the liquid remaining in the bottle suggest a few things about the duration of the activity. "Join us."

Kaya sips from the bottle before speaking. "Not even going to lie, Lily," she slurs, handing the bottle off to Kat beside her - arguably the most sober-looking person in the room, apart from Lily. "But it's been a while since I last saw Meg this nervous."

Lily smiles; she remembers a time that could probably come close -- it was the last time Kat was in town, which was when she watched their show for the first time. "Is that right?" she asks, amused as she watches Kat finish her turn, swallowing with a soft hiss afterward. Emerging from that, Kat meets Lily's eyes and gives her a wink.

"Your turn, Lils," says Meg, nudging at Lily's arm resting on the table.

Lily eyes the liquor left as she takes the bottle from Meg's hand; tips her head back as she drinks from it in kind, letting out a low, "Whoa," after, taken completely by surprise.

"Surprising, innit," says Kaya from across her, smiling slyly before finishing the bottle off. Meg claps at the end of it before reaching over to retrieve the now-emptied bottle, standing up to open a cupboard somewhere. From where she’s seated, Lily can spy a row of various liquor bottles, all empty, lined up side by side.

"We should all go to bed," says Lily after Meg's reclaimed her seat, her body heavy as she leans against Lily for support. "Catch some rest. Long day tomorrow, remember?" She tries to hold back a laugh as she notices Kaya nodding off already, her eyes closed and her breathing evening out.

"These drunkards," Kat mutters from across Lily, smiling tiredly her way. "You think they can make it up the stairs?"

"They should," says Lily, standing up and pulling Meg by the arm. "Let's go Meg," she says, lips against Meg's ear. "Come on." When she turns her head, Kat's doing the same with Kaya, albeit with better distance, and Lily feels herself blush at having forgotten they had company.

"I'm sorry, I--" she begins, turning to Kat, who had obviously noticed Lily's previous gesture.

"Lily." Kat eyes her from across the table, a sleepy Kaya wrapped around her shoulder. "I know, okay? Relax," she says, smiling even.

"Sorry," Lily says again. Beside her, Meg's stirs, mumbling a few unintelligible things softly. Lily turns to Meg and says, "We should get you upstairs. Can you walk?"

Off Meg's nod, Lily takes a first tentative step; breathes in as she tries to carry with her seventy-five percent of Meg's actual weight and drags her along.

*

Thankfully, they reach the top of the stairs without anyone losing a limb or pulling a muscle; Lily and Kat breathe out loud as they throw Kaya and Meg on the bed, before kneeling by the foot of it to take off Kaya and Meg's shoes, afterward.

"Very well practiced, aren't we," Kat says, as she starts loosening the straps of Kaya's sandals, her shoulders brushing against Lily's. Lily swallows a bit at the contact; she hasn't found the time to be alone with Kat since that day Jack drove them to Kat's place. "You okay?" asks Kat, after successfully pulling off both Kaya's sandals.

Lily looks back over at Meg's feet, the laces still intact. "Yeah," says Lily, blinking as she pulls at the strings finally. This day has been thoroughly long - at one point, Kaya's kissing her; now she's down on one knee trying to untie Meg's shoelaces.

Beside her, Kat starts laughing as she reaches in with both her hands. "Let me help," she says, taking over from Lily's hands and tugging a bit more forcefully. "Damn, Meg still does her shoelaces wrong; these are not supposed to be this tight," she just says, laughing lightly to herself. "Here, hang onto this for me please." Lily holds her breath all that while, trying not to confuse herself further by paying attention to the feel of Kat's hands brushing against hers amidst all this effort.

"There." Kat yanks her sister's shoe off and starts with the other one. "This was not the way we were taught how to do this," she says, smiling at Lily. "Ah, Meg. She's a stubborn little thing - but then, you know that, right?"

Lily blinks, bites her lip. Kat's eyes are too close and her hands are feeling somewhat warm, and there's a bit of alcohol in Lily's head, and. "Why aren't you angry, Kat?" she asks, reaching over to smooth the fabric upon Kat's shoulder, regardless of whether it needed fixing or not. "Why are you here, why are you okay, how did you--"

Kat shakes her head, pulling at Meg's other shoe gently this time and setting it down before sitting on the floor herself. "Have I come back to come between the two of you? Of course not. Have I come back for you? Maybe, but that's not all there is." She smiles as she looks away, leaning against the side of the bed. "I'm here to support your band, Lily. I can do that."

"Why--How are you not angry?" Lily asks again.

Kat takes a sideways look at her before sighing. "I didn't say--" she clears her throat, cutting into her thought deliberately before revising. "It doesn't matter." And then, "You should get some rest. Should Jack need backup -- there's no way these two would drive tomorrow. _Please_ don’t let them."

When Lily turns her head, Kat's smiling now, like they hadn't spoken of the past at all. "Right," Lily says, climbing into the bed, trying to make some space for herself by nudging Meg toward Kaya in the middle of it. "There's still space -- if you can push Kaya a bit more --"

Kat smiles from across Lily, bracing herself against the edge of the bed behind Kaya. "You really don't know, do you?"

"Know what?"

Shaking her head, Kat says, "Nothing," as she pushes against Kaya. Perhaps noticing the movement, Kaya arranges herself accordingly and throws a hand around Meg's waist, pulling her close; automatically, Meg moves closer and nestles her face into the crook of Kaya's neck before breathing in deeply.

They fit like they've done this before, and it's this familiarity that hits Lily the hardest. She tries to look away but finds that she can't; feels a certain burning behind her throat that could be the reflux of vodka or another thing entirely. She bites her lip as she presses her forehead against Meg's back, fingers tracing her spine.

 _Surely, it's not a too-far-off possibility,_ Lily tells herself, grazing Kaya's unmoving hand as she attempts to skim the curve of Meg's waist, as she has so often done. _But this girl is mine. Isn't she?_

"You're still awake, aren't you?" It's Kat from the other end of the bed, voice hoarse as expected; lack of sleep still does that to her, Lily realizes. And then, "Meg loves you. You know that, right?"

Lily swallows hard, sniffing a little; it must be already morning. "What time is it?"

She hears the tell-tale ruffling of sheets; she imagines Kat turning over and straining. "It's quarter to five." A pause. "You really should rest."

Lily closes her eyes, hums her agreement and says nothing more.

*  


 **seven.**

Jack drives for the first leg of the trip with Kat in the front seat holding the map. Luke stays at the back and holds onto the instruments, while Lily, Meg and Kaya settle into the middle row, with Meg and Kaya falling sleepily against each other and Lily looking out the window, slipping in and out of sleep herself.

When they reach the first stopover, Lily steps out and stretches, joining Jack for a fag. "You ready to switch?" she asks and Jack breathes in, stretching himself and twisting his torso to the left and to the right.

"Are you sure?" he asks, eyeing her carefully. "You seem like -- did you girls sleep at all last night, anyway?"

"Some more than the others," Lily just says, drawing from her fag. "I'm okay to drive, really. Besides," she says, looking around for Kat, who had just emerged from the bathrooms herself. "Kat's co-piloting. We'll be safe."

"Kat's good with a map, all right," Jack smiles before dropping his fag and nodding his head toward the direction of the loo. Lily just nods back, mumbles, "Go on," before taking a drag off her cigarette herself and exhaling.

After a bit, Kat slides in beside her, leaning in to draw from Lily's fag. "You're driving?" she asks, smiling.

"You're doing the map-reading for me?" Lily asks back and Kat laughs. "You've always been good at maps anyway."

"Let's just say I travel a lot," says Kat and it's Lily's turn to laugh along. And then, peering into the tinted window, she adds, "Maybe we should try to get helmets for these two before they get concussions or something."

Lily catches the look on Kat's face; spies a sort of concern there that makes Lily's heart ache with a bit of guilt. _Maybe they've sorted things out,_ Lily thinks. When Kat catches her staring, Lily shifts her eyes to the ground, concentrating instead on stubbing out her cigarette under her shoe. "No, I'll be careful, I promise," Lily says.

"Oh," Kat says, reaching over and taking Lily's hand, fingers wrapping around it warmly; Lily breathes in, thinks, _She's just being friendly._ "I didn't mean -- I'm sorry, that wasn't what I meant. Of course, you'll be careful."

At the sound of an opening door, they jump apart, suddenly; it's Jack asking if they're ready to go. Kat pushes her hands into her pockets before saying, "Yeah, we better get going, hmm?"

Lily climbs into the driver's seat, pulls her seatbelt over herself and adjusts the rearview mirror. When she catches Jack's eye there, sitting in the space she left by the window earlier, she asks him, "Are we all right?"

Jack makes a thumbs up sign at her, smiling and shrugging. When she fixes the mirror again, she catches a glimpse of Meg sleeping as she leans against Jack's shoulder.

"You okay?" Kat taps her hand that's gripping the gear tentatively before pulling her hand back.

Lily leans in to pull the handbrakes loose before smiling Kat's way. "Yeah," she nods, shifting the gear. "Thanks for asking." She pulls out of the stopover slowly and slips into the highway, checking her side mirrors.

Beside her, she can feel Kat smiling, eyes still on her map. "No problem," she says.

*

The ride is quiet, mostly; from the rearview mirror she spies Jack now asleep as well, an earphone dangling from one ear; he must be sharing it with Luke behind him, also asleep. It's nearing noon and no one's awake, save for her and Kat.

Lily is fumbling blindly for the cigarette pack she'd kept by the dashboard when Kat clears her throat. "Lily. I think we missed a turn."

Lily slips a fag out; lights it before slowing down and asking, "What?" She pulls over to look at the map. "Shit." She takes another drag and exhales out her window before flicking her hazard lights on. "Sorry, let me - we could turn around here, and then take that left after the gas station, hm?"

Kat shakes her head, "No, from here it's a right turn after the gas station."

"Of course," says Lily, shaking her head and making the sharp turn back. "Good thing you caught that early. Thanks."

"I've never even been thanked before for saying something about a missed turn," says Kat, laughing slightly as she reaches over for a fag herself. "Mostly, I get blamed."

"Can I guess who you're often driving with?" asks Lily, her playful smile knowing.

Kat laughs as she exhales smoke out her window, coughing lightly after. "Oh, has Meg ever told you about that one time we got lost on the road? She'd just gotten her license, and I'd just gotten back from Cambodia, I think. We were on the road a couple of days until we figured out where exactly we went wrong."

"Poor girls," says Lily, resisting the temptation to laugh out really loud. "What was it?"

"A missed turn, just like this one," says Kat in a faux serious tone, her lips in a pout as she points. Sighing, Lily makes the turn and Kat just adds, "There. Back on track now."

"How was Meg's temper?"

"Oh you know. Meg's standard temper is more or less standard."

"At any age?"

"Worse when we were younger," says Kat. "She's better now -- I don't know how you did it, but she's mellower, I guess? You've -- how do I say it?" She pauses a bit, and Lily takes a last deep drag from her cigarette before throwing it out onto the road, blowing the smoke out with a slight hiss. "You're good for her."

"Kat." What else is there to say at this point? Lily glances over at the rearview mirror to check; everybody back there is still asleep, all right.

Kat shrugs as she leans in to turn the radio on. Static greets them as Kat fumbles with the dial. "Though I am totally passing the map back to Jack when it's Meg's turn on the wheel."

"Particularly scarring, wasn't that," Lily says, to which Kat just replies, "Mmhmm." She catches something on the dial and after a while, the familiar chords start coming in, and it all starts with a dark desert highway.

"You've got to be kidding me," Lily says, laughing out loud as Kat sits back and sings along. The sun is high and the heat has started seeping in through the roof, and when Lily looks again, Kat's got a thin sheen of sweat upon her forehead, which she promptly wipes away with the back of her hand.

Behind them, someone has started stirring. "Somebody brought the fucking Eagles?" Lily adjusts her mirror and sees Meg, blearily rubbing at her eyes and struggling to sit up straight from under Kaya's weight.

"Had we known this was what would wake you lot up, we would have started playing it a few hours ago," Lily says.

Meg groans and after a while, Kaya starts stirring as well, coming out of sleep in kind. Yawning, she asks, "What did I miss?"

Kat laughs, touching Lily's hand upon the gear shift briefly. "Apart from the switch in drivers? Nothing much."

*

At around dusk, they finally reach their hotel; Meg had taken over the last leg of the trip and as promised, Jack took over map-reading duties, leaving Kat with Lily and Kaya in the middle row.

"We're here," Meg announces, sliding into the parking slot and taking off her aviators. Jack folds up the map and stows it inside the glove compartment before yanking his door open and stepping out. Sensing that nobody else has moved, Meg turns to them with a smirk and a raised brow. "Well?"

Kaya laughs. "We're fucking _here,_ " she just says, stretching a final time before pushing her door open, pulling Lily out after her with a hand around her wrist.

Lily tries her best not to trip over Kaya's feet. She breathes in deep, filling her lungs slowly; the air around her smells of smoke mixed with the various indescribable expectations of the nights to come.

At the reception, the girl behind the desk hands Meg the key; it's a room for four with two big beds pushed against the opposite walls, a small table with a lamp marking a sort of aisle in between. There's a closet a few steps away from the door, and a few more steps from there stands a dresser with a mirror. The window is covered by a heavy curtain the color of moss. Beside it is a small round table, empty save for the ashtray in the middle of the surface.

Lily studies the place briefly before letting her eyes rest on the ashtray. "Well, I suppose it's a smoking room, then." She looks over at Kaya, who had just staked her claim on one of the beds by perching her bag upon the edge of it before walking over and drawing the curtains.

"There, better," says Kaya, reaching over to yank the window open. Lily settles beside her quietly, looking out into the street -- not exactly busy, but not deserted, either.

"Oh god, it feels good just to stretch here." When Lily looks over, Meg is already sprawled upon the other bed, and Lily thinks, _Well, she has chosen._

"Where's Kat?" asks Kaya, seating herself in one of the chairs and unwrapping a fresh box of fags.

"Shower," says Meg, and right on cue, the water starts running in the bathroom. "I feel like taking a shower myself. You?"

Kaya smiles, lighting her cigarette and propping a leg upon the other chair beside her. "Too many girls sharing a bathroom. I think I'm pestering the boys later," she says, winking at Lily.

"Of course," says Meg, sitting up and gesturing for the pack of fags. Lily steps away from the window and picks it up, handing it to Meg as she sits beside her on the bed. Meg lights Lily's before she pauses to light her own.

Kaya shifts her eyes between Meg and Lily thrice before crushing her cigarette against the ashtray and getting to her feet. "I better check on the boys and get that shower."

With little else than a wink and a sly smile, Kaya walks out of the room, shutting the door behind her, and right then Lily finds herself alone with Meg for the first time in a very long while.

"So." Meg clears her throat, putting a hand upon Lily's knee, painfully aware of the movement; the unease there is palpable and undeniable, and Meg has her hand on her so lightly it feels like she's about to take her hand back at the slightest indication of company.

"So," Lily just says back in turn, weighing Meg's hand down with her own. "Everything shaping up okay? Just like how you'd expected them to be, hmm?"

Meg nods, drawing from her cigarette. "Some better than imagined," she grins. "Some _better off_ imagined."

"Harsh," says Lily, smirking as she takes a drag off her cigarette in kind. And then, with a softer voice she asks, "How have you been?"

Meg just says, "Tired." And then, "You?"

"I miss you." Lily moves in to kiss Meg, soft and chaste; Meg responds by pulling Lily closer, a hand gripping the back of Lily's neck before breaking the kiss herself.

"We shouldn't--"

"No, we're not," Lily says, taken aback herself. Of course, she knows it's not a good idea. "It's just--"

"You know how it is," Meg just says quietly.

(And Lily does -- she _really_ does.)

*

After a few moments of wearing down both their fags, the both of them looking the other way and not touching, Kat finally turns the shower off and steps out, her hair damp.

"That better not trigger smoke detectors or an overhead sprinkler system because obviously, I've just showered," Kat says, pointing to their fags before heading over to the bed -- Kaya's, by elimination.

Meg makes a face, says, "Nah, obviously," before excusing herself and entering the bathroom for her much-awaited shower.

Sitting upon the edge of Kaya's bed, Kat dries her hair quietly but is ultimately unable to keep herself from saying something. "You're flushed."

Lily feels herself blush; when she looks up to meet Kat's eye, the absence of any sort of teasing there just makes Lily feel all the more guilty. "Am I?"

"Are you all right?"

Lily sighs, reaching for the ashtray and focusing on extinguishing her fag instead. "That obvious, innit?"

Kat stands to hang her damp towel upon a chair to dry. "Always easy to read, aren't we?" she just says. And then, "You don't have to hold back on my account, by the way. It's considerate of you, but really -- don't."

Falling into the bed, Lily covers her eyes with her wrists and presses down until the pitch dark behind her eyelids starts exploding with colors. "I have no idea how-- Is it all that easy? Am I all that easy?"

"Come now," says Kat, sighing herself. Lily feels the bed shift underneath her; Kat must have transferred over to _her_ bed. "No use ruining a perfectly fantastic tour with the past, hm?"

Lily sighs, blinks hard as she opens her eyes, staring straight into the cream-colored ceiling after. "What's the use, eh?" she says. And then, "Sorry, it's just -- Meg's frustrating me, is all."

"Ah," Kat says quietly. "Nothing that could be done about _that_ , I'm afraid."

And just like that, Kat concedes a point that Lily hoped she would resist harder.

*

That night, after a dinner of fries and burgers from the canteen downstairs, Lily settles beside Meg in bed carefully, consciously arranging herself and allowing for a sort of space in between. In Meg's house, Lily remembers how the bed was bigger and yet how much smaller the space they occupied while sleeping was, with their limbs entwined.

Meg turns over and faces her, arms folded into herself. "You're a bit… unsettled, aren't you?"

Lily smiles at Meg's attempt to find the appropriate word for it. "Nerves, is all.”

"I don't know why you're the most nervous of this bunch when in fact you're the most talented girl in this room," Meg says, a corner of her lips turning up into a smile.

"Lies," Lily smiles in kind. "But it does make me feel better, a bit. Thank you."

At that, Meg closes her eyes and scoots a bit closer to lean her forehead against Lily's – the closest they come to touching each other that night. After a while, Meg says, "Sleep now."

Lily just screws her eyes shut tighter, saying nothing else.

*

 **eight**.

Lily finds herself standing in a corner an hour before their performance, a second bottle of beer in her hand and a nervous jitter in her foot.

"Relax," says Meg, leaning against the wall beside her with a bottle of beer herself, smoothing Lily's shoulder in a gesture of comfort. The sudden unfamiliarity jolts Lily, predictably; the place is bigger than anything she's ever played in, for one, and in addition to that, she's never been really fully convinced that she can hold herself up alongside _Kaya_ on the stage, ever. The thought of bungling something crumples vital portions of her midsection, making her feel like throwing up.

The band on the stage wraps it up in a grand outro -- the electric guitar with that extended riff, followed by some keyboard gymnastics that makes Lily's head swim with nerves. The drummer punctuates their set with a couple of forceful beats and the crowd - an odd mix of college students in their worn sneakers and well-dressed twentysomethings - erupts in mad applause. Someone at the other end of the room lets out long, low whistle.

"We should be setting up," says Meg matter-of-factly, setting her empty bottle of beer upon a table. When Lily turns around, she sees Jack in a half-run toward them.

"Let's go," he says, gesturing wildly with his arms. Under the blinking lights, he looks like he's being electrocuted, and Lily allows herself a laugh this time.

The crowd doesn't calm down throughout their sound check, and when Kaya comes up front and center to adjust the microphone, the hooting gets even louder. Lily squints against the shifting lights and surveys the hall - the way it is packed to the walls sends a delicious tremor through her fingers.

When Jack manages to complete his set-up, a familiar beat starts filling the air, finally; the staggered pulsing of it puts Lily at a certain place of peace and after a while, she manages to play alongside it -- nothing too serious, just a playful repetition of chords. Behind her she hears Meg tapping along and when Kaya starts humming into the microphone, Jack yells something like, "We can go straight into it from here, yeah Meg?"

The way Meg growls her “yeah” makes the hairs at the back of Lily's neck stand on end; it's out so raw that Lily has to close her eyes to maintain her grip on the keys and the notes.

When she opens them, it's just in time to see Kaya coming around, a wicked glint in her eye. She starts the song right beside Lily, singing the first few words into Lily's microphone there, a hand on the small of Lily's back. Kaya's proximity freezes Lily momentarily, and before she can even ask what the fuck is going on, Kaya's already finished a stanza and she's now guiding Lily's lips toward hers with a finger under Lily's chin.

There's a kiss, and Lily tastes the sweet vanilla of Kaya's gloss; the crowd's cheering gets madder, though for a moment, Lily almost hears the absence of drums in the air.

 _Meg._

Kaya breaks the kiss right then, murmuring "Sing, Loveless," against Lily's lips before launching into the next stanza. Lily blinks and tries to resume playing, pitching her voice in every now and then, leaning closer to Kaya's lips and the microphone. Lily doesn't notice the exact moment the drum kicks back in, but the song ends with it anyhow, that extended explosive drum-roll that marks a beginning rather than an end.

It's always been one of Lily's favorite parts, this segment; as expected, when she looks over her shoulder, the sight of Meg gloriously focused and sweaty takes her breath away, right on cue.

"Fuck," Lily finds herself muttering, and Kaya just pushes a bottle of beer into her hand, shouting into her ear.

"Drink," says Kaya, her breath hot against Lily's neck. "It's going to be a long night."

*

By the third song, Lily gets the hang of it, and she can tell how Kaya's impressed at how quickly she's managed to cope, seeing how _this_ never came up in any of the practices; but then again, perhaps that's where the beauty of the whole thing lies – in the spontaneity of it, the utter surprise that it really, actually, is.

Kaya guides Lily's movement with the simplest of nudges; a hand on a hip here, a gentle push there. Lily tries to make the most out of what limited movement a woman with two hands on a keyboard can muster while singing. Mostly, it's Kaya who initiates the flow, and Lily just follows, her hips and shoulders filling the spaces Kaya's body has made for them.

At some point Kaya leans in, so close that her lips touch the skin of Lily's neck. "You're doing great," she says, breathing hard amid all this exertion. "You're doing really, really fine."

In front of them, the crowd has never stopped either, hanging onto each of Kaya's words with their arms outstretched, wanting to feel Kaya moving against their palms. Lily tries to keep up with them, with Kaya; with the growing tempo of Meg's furious drumbeats. Off the side, Lily can see the grin never leaving Jack's face; a ghost of a smirk flitting across Luke's face, even.

It's a good night, Lily just thinks. A really damned good one.

*

The last song makes Lily nervous, as it has the longest piano solo toward the end, right before the drum outro that usually caps all of their sets and Kaya tries her best to cheer her on as she gets into it.

Somewhere in the middle, Lily makes the mistake of closing her eyes – which Kaya takes as an invitation to kiss her a second time.

It's infinitely longer this time; Lily holds her breath, because she finds she can't kiss and breathe and _play_ all at the same time. Her hands start aching but she keeps on the way Kaya keeps on, her fingers matching the furious intensity of Kaya's lips upon hers, pushing and pulling and pushing back in. Her ears have started ringing from the escalating noise; whether it's the crowd's appreciation of her talent or their exhibitionism, she'll never really know.

Lily thankfully finishes her run before her hands break down; for a moment there she feared her joints would lock from exhaustion. From there, Meg picks it up and Kaya dances to her beat, her sweaty body pushing into Lily's, and suddenly it is all too warm and Lily has to reach again for the bottles of beer they'd stashed at a side table hidden from the view of the crowd.

"You're fucking fantastic," Kaya says, watching Lily take a long swig from the bottle. "I wish we'd met earlier."

Lily smiles; says nothing as she recognizes the danger of words at this point. Instead she shifts her eyes, looking past Kaya's shoulder to where Meg is, her eyes closed and brows knit. Lily watches closely as Meg lifts her hands and brings them down; notes how the sound pushes against her chest in a rhythm she knows so well.

*

 **nine.**

After their set, Lily watches as Meg leaves the stage without a word, patting Jack on the shoulder before pointing to the general direction of the bathrooms. Jack nods before resuming packing up and unplugging cords.

"You should go after her," says Kaya, nudging Lily with an elbow. When Lily turns to her wearing this confused look, Kaya simply insists:"Fucking _go._ "

Lily catches up with Meg while she's washing her face by the sink. "Hey," Lily says, opening the door carefully and looking around. The small room is empty.

Meg looks up, smiles wearily at her through the mirror. "Familiar, hm?" she just says, shaking the water off her hands after turning off the faucet. And then, "That was such a show, wasn't that."

"One for the books," says Lily, offering a weak smile herself.

"I doubt anyone would forget a thing like that," Meg says quietly; too quiet that it feels like a small, brief punch in the gut. Lily waits for Meg to look up and meet her eyes on the mirror again but then, she doesn't; instead, she turns the other way and heads for the door, passing behind Lily without saying anything else.

 _Fuck,_ Lily just thinks, closing her eyes, hands braced against the edge of the sink. _Here we go again._

*

When Lily exits the club, the first person she sees is Kaya, smoking by the railing off to the side. She smiles upon spotting Lily walking over.

"Meg was in a hurry to get home," says Kaya, offering Lily the lit cigarette when she gets close enough; Lily leans in to take a shallow drag before exhaling.

"Did she say anything?"

Shaking her head, Kaya says, "No, she didn't." And then, "I take it there were some things she didn't exactly _like_ , hmm?"

"I don't know." A pause. "Or maybe I do, I just -- maybe she's just really tired, you know?"

Kaya casts her a steady look before letting out a little laugh. "Come on," she says. "You know Meg better than I do. Better than _that._ "

Lily lets out a sigh. _She's right._ "You shouldn't have kissed me."

"In front of Meg?"

It's Lily's turn to laugh, exasperated. "At _all_ , Christ. What is wrong with you?"

Kaya pauses a moment, her lips pursed; after a while, she takes out another cigarette and lights it with the one she's about to stub out. "Did she ever tell you," she begins, taking a drag and exhaling upward, the smoke hanging above their heads after. "Did Meg ever tell you we used to sleep together?"

Lily tries not to let on that this is the first time anyone has even _bothered_ telling her about this, but the way Kaya looks at her -- all too soft and apologetic – tells her how she’d given it all away, anyway.

Kaya clears her throat and says, "I see," shifting her eyes and staring straight ahead. "She'll hate me for getting to you first--"

"How long ago was this?" asks Lily, straight to the point.

Kaya smiles, a bit of hesitation shining through the gesture; she fidgets with her cigarette before saying, completely non-committal: "It was a long time ago, Lily."

"What does that mean, a long time ago?" Off Kaya's silence, Lily appends, "Were you ever -- I mean, Christ, you fucking rock stars must do this all the time, but--"

"Trust me, I haven't seen Meg in a _while_ ," says Kaya, lighting another cigarette; Lily notes a sort of tremble there, but then, it could just be the cold air. "It must be around that time you got together. I don't know -- we haven't exactly-- well, you know how it is. We don't talk about these things."

Lily breathes out, a bit relieved now, though the change is too marginal to count as relief. "I still don't understand," she says, slipping a cigarette of her own out of the pack. "How did we get _here?_ "

"Honestly,” says Kaya, stretching her arms. "I didn't even expect Meg to say yes."

 _Classic, curious Meg,_ Lily thinks, laughing lightly and shaking her head. "But she did."

"That's how we got here," Kaya says.

"And now, what, you want to sleep with me or something? Is that it -- like, some sort of circle you're trying to close?"

Kaya smiles at her lazily, shrugging. "Can't see why anyone would not want to," she just says, and Lily is ultimately unable to stop a blush from coming. "I'm not quite as scheming as you think I am -- I know nothing of these circles you are talking about, but as I've said -- I'm all about options, is all."

Lily pulls back a bit to study Kaya -- definitely one of the more beautiful girls she's ever had the pleasure of sharing a stage with, for one. Kaya leans back in kind, propping both her elbows upon the metal railing behind her; moving her feet apart for a wider stance, as if daring Lily to see more. The faint street light nearby would normally do nothing flattering for anyone, but even in this poor light, Lily can see what it is about this girl that Meg could have found entrancing.

"Options, eh?" says Lily, smiling a bit more relaxed now as she touches Kaya's cheek lightly. Kaya stills herself, letting Lily have the moment, before ultimately laughing out loud with her head thrown back.

"I know you're used to Meg overanalyzing things, Loveless," Kaya says, wrapping a hand around Lily's wrist. "But sometimes, we can have it easier, you know? Simpler."

After a while, Kaya loosens her grip and lets Lily's hand fall. "Is that a proposition?" asks Lily, and Kaya just looks away, her laugh offering no categorical response. "Well, it's lovely, but--"

"I know," Kaya interrupts, still smiling. "I wish I could say I'm still wondering about what exactly Meg has on you, but then again -- I know, right?"

"Of course you should," Lily just says. They finish the rest of their fags quietly, standing shoulder-to-shoulder by a wall outside the club's exit, listening to the gradually fainting sounds from the inside, growing softer and muter as the party dies slowly.

*

 **ten**.

In their hotel room that night, Lily finds Meg already asleep on Kat's bed; Kat's still up, tinkering with her camera when Lily and Kaya come in, careful not to make a sound.

The smile Kat gives them as they come in is heavy. "Where have you been?" she asks, and Lily can't ignore the weight of her question.

"At the club," says Kaya, sitting on the edge of the bed and taking off her shoes. "When did you get back?"

"Couldn't have let Meg walk alone, could I?" Kat says, glancing over at Meg sleeping beside her, facing the wall. She casts a look at Lily before beckoning the both of them closer. "The two of you have quite… a stage presence," she just says, flipping through photos she'd taken of the night. And then, tilting the camera's screen toward them, she adds: "The crowd loved you."

Lily takes a careful step toward Kat as Kaya kneels on the floor beside her bed to look. Kat had gone straight to the part where Kaya's already standing behind the piano with Lily and in a few clicks, they finally get to the kiss.

"I had to move twice because, on both times I found myself standing beside a guy, things got a bit… embarrassing," Kat says.

Kaya lets out a low laugh at that. "Boys are so predictable."

Kat hums her agreement before stopping at a particularly vivid shot of the kiss, a bit close-up now. "I'm not going to lie -- the two of you looked amazing together."

"Kat." Lily says, eyes sliding over at Meg right beside her.

"What?" asks Kat, and when Lily shifts her eyes back, it's just in time to catch Kaya rolling her eyes. "I hope you've already told her, because--"

"I have," says Kaya, her voice steady. "It's a show, Kat. People get carried away all the time."

"Oh, of course."

"Can we not talk about this anymore?" asks Lily, trying to come in between.

"Is it because you're still jealous, Kat?" asks Kaya, completely ignoring Lily's plea; her tone still maddeningly flat and emotionless. When Lily glances at Kat, she's got her head down and her eyes focused on her camera, but somewhere behind her eyes there's a kind of hurt that Lily thinks she shouldn't have seen at all.

"You know for a fact," begins Kat, mustering the strength to look up and look Kaya in the eye; Kaya leans back onto the bed on her elbows, looking at Kat in that lazy, feline manner that must be driving Kat crazy. "That Lily's with Meg, hmm?"

Kaya tilts her head to the side, as if thinking about her response carefully before saying, "Of course," a smile slowly spreading upon her lips. "But as I've said -- it's a show. It's _acting._ "

"The two of you," Lily clears her throat, looking at Meg nervously -- what if she _isn't_ asleep? "Let's get some rest. This night has been long, and we're moving tomorrow, aren't we?"

Kaya groans as she gets up and heads for the bathroom. "One down," she says before closing the bathroom door behind her. Lily closes her eyes at the muffled sound of Kaya turning on the shower.

"You all right?" asks Kat.

Lily breathes in before, "You never answered her question."

"Which one?"

"Is it because you're jealous?" Lily asks, scooting over and aligning her back along the wall. When Kat refuses to meet her eyes, Lily sighs. "Are you?"

Finally, Kat manages to shake her head, though the gesture's unconvincing at best. "It's Meg I'm looking out for," she says softly, setting her camera down on the table between their beds before turning off the lamp. "That's all." Without another word, Kat slides in beside Meg, turning away from Lily and putting an arm around Meg's waist. The sight of it knots Lily's stomach painfully, like something tightening its grip around her insides; like a hand slowly curling into a fist.

*

That night, Lily's already half asleep when Kaya slides into bed beside her, smelling of soap and shampoo. There's a considerable space between them before Kaya tentatively reaches over, putting a hand upon Lily's arm; her fingers are cold.

"Don't," Lily just says, her lips dry.

Kaya pulls away at that, mumbling a soft and somewhat deflated, "Okay."

*

 **eleven.**

Meg drives the morning after and Kat volunteers to hold the map, banishing Jack to instrument safety duty with Luke at the back. When Lily catches Kat’s eye, she sees how Kat's eyes are tired; she looks as if she hasn't slept at all.

"You sure?" Jack asks, smiling. "You get enough sleep?"

Kat smiles back, rubbing Jack's shoulder fondly. "I'm all right," she says. "We'll be fine." Jack shrugs at that, giving Kat a high five and a fist bump before climbing into the back with Luke and shutting the door after him.

"All set?" asks Meg, putting her shades on as she adjusts the rear view mirror; when she gets it right, Lily catches her looking. Even with her heavily tinted sunglasses on, Lily can feel the weight of Meg's stare, a sort of sadness pushing in on her.

When Kaya responds, "We're good," Meg wordlessly leans in to pull the handbrake loose, before shifting the gear and driving on with Kat quietly minding the map beside her.

Needless to say, the trip is silent throughout. Lily leans against one window while Kaya leans into the other, the wide empty space between them untouched.

*

Meg doesn't speak throughout the second show, apart from curt, one-word responses that are actually just variations of "yes" and "no". It gets so noticeable that somewhere in the middle of the set, Jack shoots Lily a look that asks, "What's the matter?" Lily responds with a shrug before rolling her eyes, glancing toward the general direction of Kaya after. Jack follows Lily's eyes, his shoulders dropping slightly when he realizes what Lily's saying.

After their set, Jack comes over to help pack Lily's keyboard. "There," he says, pointing to a scene just behind Lily. "Looks like they're sorting it out, huh?"

When Lily looks over her shoulder, she sees Kaya and Meg at the far corner, facing each other, their arms crossed before their chests. Meg is looking down at her shoes, and Kaya's looking away. From afar, it doesn't look like much of a conversation at all, and knowing _Meg_ \-- Lily sighs as a cold sort dread starts spreading inside of her.

Lily's still looking when Kaya turns her head and catches her eye; Lily quickly looks away as she lifts the keyboard case and slings it upon her shoulder.

"I won't worry too much about it," Jack says, catching up with Lily on her way out of the club. "They always sort it out. _Always._ ”

“Yeah,” Lily replies, distracted, stopping for a moment by the doorway as she tries to remember where Meg had parked. Jack taps her on the shoulder and waves for her to follow him, breaking out into a sprint toward the other end of the parking lot with the keys jangling in his pocket.

They’re both panting when they get there, and they find Luke already leaning beside a closed door, smoking; Jack reaches over and ruffles his hair playfully. Luke winces in faint annoyance and shoves Jack away, who takes a step back with a loud laugh, reaching into his back pocket for his pack of cigarettes.

“Here’s something you should know about Kaya,” says Jack, taking a deep drag off his newly lit fag and offering it to Lily, who pauses briefly to look at it before leaning in and puffing herself. “It’s that she flirts with anything that _moves._ ”

Lily finds herself laughing lightly at that; Kat and Kaya are turning out to be so alike that it shouldn’t even be funny. “So I’ve noticed,” she just says, leaning against the side of the SUV, heel propped upon a wheel; and then, casting a sidelong glance at Jack, “Coming from a place of experience, aren’t we?”

Jack throws his head back this time as he lets out an even louder laugh, his mouth wide open. “You can say that, yeah,” he says, lighting another fag and leaving the old one in Lily’s hand. “I should have seen this coming, I just – well, I mean from Meg it’s – we didn’t know Kaya had a _type._ ”

“And that is?”

Lily watches the corner of Jack’s lips turn up a little, curling into a sneer. “Vanity looks good on you, Loveless.”

“Shut up,” laughs Lily, hitting Jack on the arm.

It’s this banter that Meg, Kaya and Kat walk in on, a moment later; Lily leaves her hands in the air for a moment before slowly pulling them back to herself, and Jack just looks away. There’s an awkward wordless gap before Kat breaks the silence with, “Who’s got the keys?”

Jack drops his cigarette like a kid caught, digging into his pocket to produce the keys as called for. Meg gestures with a hand briefly and Jack tosses them over to her.

They all assume their places when they see Meg climb in, a somber look on her face. The crowd had been muter than the previous night’s and certainly a whole lot quieter than what they usually expected.

 _Perhaps that’s it,_ Lily thinks, closing her eyes as Meg turns the ignition on, the steady rumble of the engine mercifully flooding the silent air.

*

That night, Kaya announces that she’s getting an extra bed over at the boys’ quarters; Lily looks away as she says it, afraid she’d look inappropriately wounded. Meg walks out the door after her wordlessly, picking up the pack of fags lying on the dresser near the door along the way. Lily remembers the veranda at the end of the hallway; contemplates joining Meg for a round or two of cigarettes there.

When she turns her head, Kat’s sitting up on the other bed, reviewing her shots of the gig. “This one’s less… electric,” she says, not taking her eyes off the camera screen.

“Where did it go wrong?”

“Kaya didn’t kiss you, perhaps—“

“Kat.”

“Sorry,” says Kat, sighing at the end. As she looks up, she takes her glasses off and sets them on the bed side table, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand. “Just – there’s too many things going on, yeah?” she says wearily. “It’s _exhausting_. Aren’t you exhausted?”

“Oh, exhausted, all right. So, so exhausted.”

“Then why don’t we just… I don’t know,” Kat pauses, trying to talk with her hands instead, like she’s trying to weave together the words that are currently evading her. “You should talk to Meg, really.”

“You know how Meg is when she doesn’t want to talk,” says Lily, and Kat just nods, completely understanding.

After a pause, Kat asks, “You really want to wait when she’s ready? You can take another night like this?”

 _Like this_ – Meg purely monosyllabic, the quiet always awkward, her skin always an inch too far away – “All right,” says Lily finally, getting up from the bed and haphazardly slipping into her sneakers, the shoelaces untied. “Nothing to lose, eh?”

Kat doesn’t look at her when she replies: “Good luck.”

*

 **twelve.**

As expected , Meg is at the veranda down the hall, wrapped in a cloud of smoke. Lily tries to walk up to her quietly, her footsteps noiseless, light; when she gets to the glass sliding door, she tries a soft knock. “Meg?”

Meg looks over her shoulder, tries a smile. “Hey,” she says, offering the pack in her hand. “Smoke?”

Lily breathes out; still monosyllabic, but at least – a _smile_. “Thanks,” she says, stepping closer to stand beside Meg, elbows resting against the railing. Looking out, the city below them is dark save for the occasional streetlamp or lit window.

Lily’s halfway through her fag when she decides to say something, clearing her throat first. “Tough night, wasn’t that."

Meg nods, scratching at the back of her neck with her free hand; Lily catches the fresh coat of nail polish Meg had put there – deep crimson. “Their bodies felt too heavy,” she says. “Like they were made of cement, or something, and couldn’t even dance? But eh, apparently those kinds of nights exist.”

Breathing in, Lily just smiles and says, “That’s the most you’ve said in, what, two days?”

Meg sniffs before leaning against the railing herself with both arms extended, hunching over and arching her back, like a cat stretching. Lily holds her breath at that, watches as Meg’s top hitches up briefly with the movement, a faint trace of a relatively new tattoo peeking from under the hem of her pants, just beside her left hip bone.

“Lily,” Meg says, breaking Lily’s focus. Lily’s eyes shift immediately upward. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Lily blinks, gingerly reaching out to trace the ink on Meg’s skin, stroking the surrounding surface absently. “I just – I remembered – remember when this was new, Meg?”

“Stung like fucking hell, spent a lot of days asking how I ever got talked into having this, yada-yada – but that’s not what I meant, Lily.”

Lily swallows at that, the huge lump on her throat painful. “Then tell me what exactly.”

“Where do I start?”

“The night Kaya and I first met,” says Lily, looking straight ahead, eyes trying to adjust in the dark. From the corner of her eye, she sees Meg flick her cigarette stub onto the street before lighting another one with a match.

“As I’ve said, I had a headache,” says Meg. “Next question?”

“Why didn’t you tell me you and Kaya were sleeping together?”

At that, an uneasy smile breaks across Meg’s face; Meg looks down, shaking her head. “She told you.”

“She had to.”

“It didn’t seem important at the time,” Meg shrugs, recovering. “Things just happen, is all.” A pause. “And before you even think of asking – I haven’t seen her since we got together, or whatever. Does that satisfy you?”

“I wasn’t even going to ask. I trusted you.”

“And so did I,” says Meg, for the first time sounding the least bit slighted. “A funny thing entirely, that – trust.”

“Meg.”

Meg breathes in, drawing from the cigarette so hard she almost torches everything up to the filter. “I understand showmanship – I understand _Kaya,_ of all things, and believe it or not, I did see this coming. I mean, fuck, right? You’re…” she trails off, gesturing incoherently at Lily before choosing to abandon words altogether with the flick of a wrist. “All I’m saying – I don’t blame Kaya, nor do I blame you; that would be fucking hypocritical of me, wouldn’t it? It’s just – I didn’t expect myself to be this… _incapable_ of coping quickly, is all.”

“You should have said something,” says Lily quietly, crushing her fag against the railing before dropping it in kind.

“Like what?” says Meg back. “Like _what?_ I don’t _do_ these communication things well, Lily, just in case you haven’t noticed; I’m not big on… _expression._ Like – does it frustrate me that I can’t make out with my girlfriend anytime I want to in deference to my sister _with whom my girlfriend had slept with once upon a time as well?_ Do I have to spell that out? Come on, Lils. It’s not that hard to figure out why this is all _difficult._ ”

Meg is panting when she gets to the end of it, like it were something intensely physical, and Lily can’t think of anything else to do in response, apart from what she does next – she pulls Meg in by the back of her neck and kisses her, pinning her against the railing with her hips, nipping at her bottom lip lightly.

Meg takes a moment before mustering a response, her hands coming up to Lily’s sides, fingers hooking themselves into Lily’s belt loops and pulling her even closer against her. Lily can feel the buckle of Meg’s belt digging into her hip, imagines it carving itself onto her skin right through the fabric of her jeans; she’s almost too dizzy from lack of air when Meg breaks away and comes up for breath.

“What, we’re about to fuck on a _veranda_ seven floors up, you do know that?” Meg whispers against Lily’s neck, fingers fiddling with the button of Lily’s jeans. Lily bites down on her lip to keep a whimper in. When Meg succeeds in undoing it, Lily feels a smile spreading across Meg’s lips, hovering so close upon a space behind her ear.

“Meg, we can’t—" Lily screws her eyes closed tighter at the sound of a zipper being pulled down.

“Or maybe…”

“Fuck, Meg,” Lily hisses, yanking helplessly at Meg’s belt, fingers fumbling at first before eventually finding the latch. It’s Meg’s turn to suppress a groan when Lily succeeds, the metal catch clinking upon release. “Maybe what?”

Meg lifts her hands to cup Lily’s face, kissing her full-on and hard, and Lily pushes her hips into Meg’s at the feel of her undone jeans slipping off her. Meg comes up for air first, a hand shooting downward to grip the hem of Lily’s jeans. “Maybe this would be better taken _elsewhere._ ”

“Like, a room with a door, yeah?” says Lily, hanging onto Meg’s jeans in kind, smirking against the corner of Meg’s lips.

“Not a half-bad idea at all,” Meg just says.

*

They fuck with their clothes on, in the bed across Kat’s, thankful that the lights are already out when they get in, and that Kat does not wake even as they had noisily fumbled with the doorknob.

When she comes that night, Lily arches into Meg’s body, Meg’s hand trapped between fabric and skin, Meg’s tongue in her mouth, drowning out the sound.

*

 **thirteen.**

When Lily wakes the following morning, she’s curled up in bed alone, in the clothes she had on the previous night. She feels over her body to check for clothes before slipping out of bed, and she finds that Meg had been kind enough to zip her up. Running her fingers above the button of her jeans, she is unable to stop a warm blush from coming on and taking over her.

The sound of the bathroom door opening is what jolts her awake for real, as the fresh scent of soap and shampoo wafts into the room. When she turns to look, it’s Meg wrapped in a towel and drying her hair.

“You’re awake,” says Meg, smiling as she approaches, perching herself carefully upon the side of the bed nearest Lily. “Kat’s gone downstairs for breakfast.”

Lily lifts her head at that, if only to take a peek at Kat’s bed across them – empty and unmade. When she shifts her eyes back over to Meg, she's looking at her with a raised brow.

“What?” asks Lily, unable to keep a smile in.

“Before you get any ideas,” Meg just says, winking. “I am _starving,_ so.”

“So?” Lily says back, raising a brow herself and tracing Meg’s arm with a finger, the skin underneath soft. “I’m just saying…”

Meg leans in, planting a kiss upon Lily’s lips. It’s originally intended to be brief, but the way Lily’s lips yielded must have called for an extension, and then some. Before Lily knows it, Meg’s already straddling her, one hand barely holding the towel together right in the middle of her chest, the other pushing against Lily’s shoulder.

“But you said you were starving,” says Lily coyly, running her hands upward along Meg’s thighs.

“I still am,” Meg says, letting her other hand fall. Lily closes her eyes, giggling a little as a cold spray of water comes upon her when Meg shakes her head playfully. “But -- you were saying?”

Lily bites her lip before lifting her head to kiss Meg again; hoping they have time before the others come looking.

(Later, Kaya’s munching on a plate of fries when Lily and Meg walk into the cafeteria, hand in hand. Kaya shifts her eyes between them before asking, “What took you so long?”

Off Lily’s silence and blush, Kaya just looks away, mischief in her smile. “Wait, don’t answer that,” she just says, trying to suppress a laugh by eating more fries instead.)

*

 **fourteen.**

That night, they spend the first few hours waiting for their set dancing; the bands ahead of them brought some catchy electronica that neither Kaya nor Lily can resist. Despite repeated invites, Meg insists on standing by their table, a drink in her hand. “You go on ahead,” she says, taking a swig off her bottle, her third for the night. “I’ll be fine over here. Besides, the guys might come looking for us.”

“They’d see us even if we were in the dance floor, Meg,” says Kaya, hand still fixed around Meg’s wrist and tugging. “Come on – and don’t give me that ‘I’m a horrible dancer’-crap because if anyone’s got rhythm, it’s you babe.”

Meg rolls her eyes. “Whatever, Kaya, suit yourself,” she says, smiling as she finally lets herself be led, trapped between Kaya and Lily as they plunge right into the heaving crowd.

The band onstage starts revving up the beat, going faster and faster with their bells and synths, the vocalist chanting along with the buildup. By then, Lily has turned to her side to face Meg, who is slowly getting carried away; somewhere, Lily spies the ghost of Kaya’s hand upon Meg’s hip. As the crowd grows thicker, Lily finds Meg pressed up even closer against her, Meg’s back pushing against Lily’s chest, and at some point, Lily finally puts a hand upon Meg’s hip in kind, fingers gripping Kaya’s.

Kaya catches Lily’s eye upon contact, a small smile playing upon her lips; the space they’re moving in is so small that Kaya’s practically burrowing her face right into Meg’s shoulder.

When the song hits the crescendo, Meg has her arms up in the air, and Kaya takes that moment to lean in for a kiss, fingers gripping Meg's waist. Lily does not breathe, afraid it would break the moment as it happens so close to her face. Thankfully, it is brief, and Lily’s able to exhale without having to pass out in the middle of the dance floor.

“I’m letting that go because you owe me,” Lily overhears Meg saying into Kaya’s ear, and Kaya throws her head back, letting out a howl in time with the vocalist’s.

Meg chooses that moment to spin around and face Lily, draping her arms upon Lily’s shoulders. “Well?” she says, still with that smirk on her face. The way her hips are swaying to the music makes Lily dizzy with want.

“Fuck, Meg,” Lily just says, leaning in to graze Meg’s neck with her lips; truth be told, she’s _this_ close to tearing someone’s clothes off.

Meg responds by pushing against Lily’s chest slightly, as if to put a space between. “Remember, we have a set to play.”

Lily looks over at Kaya, who just grins at her before closing her eyes and succumbing completely to the music. By then, the band has broken into a feisty drum solo, and a couple of girls have already gone onto the stage to dance with the vocalist, stamping their naked feet, their arms in the air.

The set ends with something akin to an explosion, the vocalist hitting a glory note of sorts and the crowd completely going out of control.

Right in the middle of it all, Meg touches Lily’s cheek and brings her back. “We’re up next,” she just says, eyes twinkling under the bluish green lights.

*

The crowd doesn’t stop, alternating between dancing and howling as the previous band gets off the stage and Meg begins setting up. Jack finishes first and immediately gets a fast beat going to keep the crowd occupied while waiting for the rest, each one joining Jack upon getting fully ready.

Behind the stage, Lily’s having a last drink of water when Meg comes over, her sticks in hand. “You ready?” Lily asks, offering her half-done bottle of water to Meg, who drinks from it without another word.

“A kiss for luck then,” Meg says after swallowing and wiping at her lips with her palm. Without question, Lily leans in and agrees, licking at Meg’s bottom lip after, as punctuation.

“Go,” Lily says, smiling as she sees Meg’s eyes glaze over, giving her a little nudge before climbing up the stage herself and joining Jack, settling behind the keyboards finally. By then, Kaya has gone over to the microphone, starting off with this low humming; off the side, she spies Luke tapping his sneakers to the beat in kind.

When Lily looks over her shoulder, it's just in time to see Meg seating herself behind the drums. With a wink and a twirl of her sticks, Meg officially starts the set with the sound of her rhythmic tapping. _One, two, three, four,_ Lily counts in her head, the beat matching the thudding in her chest.

 _Five, six, seven, go._

#

**Author's Note:**

> Skins RPF, Lily/Kaya/Meg. Written for the [skins bigbang](http://skins-bigbang.livejournal.com/). Thanks to violet4120 for beta-ing. Title from a Taken by Cars album.


End file.
